Random thoughts from tonight:

I am getting much closer to stating my thoughts and conclusions on abortion and how to draw the line.  I think I may write up a longer article about it.

I met some guy today who reminded me of Roz.  It wasn’t what he said, but rather his general appearance and his mannerisms.  Very calm, collected, casual, yet you could see there was an intensity behind it all.

I was looking up some quotes and then stumbled onto science fiction authors and was reminded of a book that I read in junior high.  Now I want to go and find it and read the whole series.  It’s called the Tripods Trilogy by John Christopher.  It falls into the utopia/dystopia genre.  And I don’t think I ever read the 2nd or 3rd book, which leads me to think that I really didn’t finish this at all.

Recently I’ve realized that I am extremely undisciplined.  Or at least I have become very undisciplined.  This past week as reading week (for them students) has highlighted that.  Because I wasn’t on campus at all, my days had other priorities but they seemed distant and unimportant.  I tried to do as much as I could, but in the end I feel like I failed to do much of what I needed to.  Much of me feels guilty.  The guilt can likely result from different expectations between what I perceive is work and what my team expects of me or what my supporters expect of me.  Or even what God expects of me.

Recently Kristen made a sort of remark that kind of took me by surprise.  I can’t recall what she said verbatim, but it basically pointed out the fact that I “talk to people every day professionally.”  And I realized and said out loud how I was the last person you would think of to be paid to talk to people.

“Social” work is not easy.  It’s frequently intangible.  How do I know that each day when I come home, I’ve accomplished something?  Or anything?  To an unobservant bystander, he might just say that I go to campus, talk to people and hang out with students for a day, and I go home.  Even on the most average or normal of days I feel like that might be what I do.  It is typically only the extraordinary days when I have a very unique conversation that I go home feeling “accomplished”.  (Yeah I type the period after the quote, because I think the quoted portion is within the sentence; the whole sentence is not a quote).

Do freelance workers feel this way?  Take for example a writer — they might spend a whole day thinking about their book idea, or even a few days.  But until the book is written, they might feel unproductive the whole time.

The thing is, when I was on reading week, I didn’t have very many people to talk to.  And then I felt unproductive and at times even useless.  Nobody needed me.  Or more accurately, I felt unneeded.

This is about where a close friend would tell me that I shouldn’t rely on my feelings this much.  I’ve started thinking more about how I am so undisciplined due to living a lifestyle driven by emotion.  I feel like eating.  I feel like staying up late.  I feel like doing something other than keeping my apartment clean.  I feel like not getting out of bed when I don’t have any pressing appointments in the morning.  I feel like I don’t need to read the Bible today.

So I understood just today even, that when people ask me “how are you doing?” I tell them that it’s been rough lately.  I attempt to blame it on my circumstances (it’s been reading week, it’s been busy, it’s been non-stop).  The fact is, I’m not doing what I should be doing and it’s resulting in stress and anxiety over time.  And I’m doing what I should not be doing in many aspects and it doesen’t bring me any closer to God or to a life of discipline or organization.

Well, here’s to putting Christ back on the throne of my life.  Here’s what it means to die to myself and take up my cross.  My life is not my own; I gave it up a long time ago.  Why do I keep thinking it would be better if I were to take it back now?

I brought in the Zondervan to the garage today.  They phoned me back and told me this:

- the rear brakes are pretty shot.  I would need to replace the drums.  Total cost: $725.

- the muffler system needs to be replaced.  I would need to replace the muffler and extend the exhaust pipe.  Total cost: $705.

- the oil change would cost about $30. (I’m not shuddering about this part).

- the oil pan is beginning to die.  In 6 months it will need to be replaced, at a cost of at least $700.

- let’s not even talk about whether the van would pass an emissions test next year.

This is sad, since back in September I spent over $900 on it and at that time they said it could last another 2 years.  Seems like their diagnosis was wrong.

Hm, what to do.  I do think I need a car though, I can’t just bike around all over the city.

In order to properly come to better and clearer conclusions, I think it may be necessary (perhaps absurdly so) to define a few terms.

Define: life.

For a discussion as pertinent as that for pro-life/pro-choice, if the definitions and expectations of this term differ, then the decisions and choices may differ.

Some of you may be thinking - “this is incredulous, why can’t Silas even define life?”

I’m trying to pull it way back.  I want to engage with people who do not define their terms in the same way I define my terms.

Questions to clarify the definition of “life”:

Does life begin when a human is self-aware?
Does life begin when a human is physiologically self-sustaining?
Does life begin when an egg begins being “not just an egg” and is being fertilized?
Does life begin when distinct human features and organs are detectable?

PS. I’m talking about human life.  For some good reason, most people are not concerned about the termination of plant life.

I rarely post about contemporary moral issues.  Sometimes it’s because I don’t want to make it seem like my opinions are representative of my work and organization (see disclaimer to the right).  However, usually it’s because I don’t actually hold a deep enough conviction on matters to make my thoughts known.

Recently, I posted an article on Facebook about a woman whose baby was thrown into a bag and left to die in a biohazard container after she gave birth to the child at a clinic where she had requested an abortion.  A few friends commented on it, including a friend who is an adamant atheist.  This faithless friend commented that it’s not possible to describe a society’s moral compass, since it is only the actions of individuals that can be judged.  I conceded some truth to that, but I also tried to ask the question about the actions of politicians as individuals who represent their “components” of the society.

This abortion issue in itself is starting to cut into me.  Obama seems like he is near signing the Freedom of Choice Act in America which will reverse many of the good moves that were made in the past decade to protect the rights of the unborn.  In Canada I think we have it worse in that it’s not really a prominent political issue even.  I do believe that the unborn should be protected from the moment of conception.  I do believe that women who do not have the capability to care for a child should be given the choice to give up the baby — to an adoption agency or close relative, perhaps.  However, I do believe that women and their partners should make wiser choices about their actions and sexual conduct so as to prevent (as much as is possible in their ability) the birth of an unwanted or unsupportable child. Children should be given the opportunity to live life, as it is God who gives life; thus, God should be the one to take it away.

The questions that I suggest that we ask our pro-choice friends are these:

“What are the rights of an unborn child?”

“How does an unborn child claim the right to live?”

“At what point do we consider the taking of a life to be an abortion or a murder?  Is there a difference if the baby is being sustained by the mother’s energies or by his/her own systems?”

Frankly, I don’t think that demonstrations or discussions that involve “preaching” or “telling” someone about this issue gets very far.  We need to ask questions and help people discover the answers that are sometimes deeply buried in their own hearts.  And we need to challenge people’s notions of how they measure the value of human lives.