The past few weeks have been interesting for me. I’ve had a lot to think about and process as I came off of NAP, a week of vacation, IBS, and now I’m back in Toronto for a short time. I tried to write something of worth about what I’m pondering but I couldn’t get myself to. Not that there isn’t anything to write.
One of the things I’m realizing is that after 6 months of living on my own in my own apartment, I became way more reclusive. I enjoyed my own space a lot and I revelled in it. That was one of the huge parts about living alone. However (and this is something I foresaw) I gradually became so comfortable thinking on my own without anyone else I had to talk to, that it was almost a stretch to talk to people again.
But I don’t mean that I didn’t talk to people — I just didn’t have to tell anyone what I was doing or what my plan was (if I had one at all). I would get home from campus and just think “what do I want to eat tonight?” and then “what do I want to do this evening?”
When I arrived in NA with the role of co-leading one of the city teams, I realized that I had to pick up my organization a lot more. I couldn’t just let things come at us; we had to be prepared for each day and week so that the students would be ready as well. That’s what responsibility is! I enjoyed the opportunity and allowed it to stretch me tremendously, but by the end of six weeks I was spent.
Taking initiative takes energy! Planning in advance requires thought! To be honest, normally I am one who takes very little initiative relationally with people and plans very few events in advance. I would much prefer to allow people and circumstances to come my way and test my ability to respond appropriately. When I hear the term “fly by the seat of your pants” I never apply it to myself because it seems to have the connotation of speed. Well, I guess it actually describes me but I just take more time to respond than most people — but make no mistake, I am usually decisive (…. or I think I am).
The week in Paris gave me that much-needed time of low-planning, no-initiative, laissez-faire, and highly-creative activity… incorporating a lot of thinking about matters other than the landmarks I was visiting.
Going to IBS was another story, though. I received a lot of invaluable foundational teaching about the Bible and how to come to a truly personal and convictional about its words. Definitely there will be situations throughout these next few years when I will pull out what I learned during the classes. I’ve already started referencing those lectures.
However, IBS was kind of a whirlwind because there were so many high-quality people there to get to know. I appreciated the huge community feel to it even as I first walked into registration. But I don’t fare well in large group situations, let alone groups where everyone is really worth knowing well. I prefer to just get to know people personally, away from the swaths and groups. Throughout IBS I just kept meeting more and more people and forgetting names. Soon in I made a decision to simply get to know a couple better and I became satisfied with that conclusion. So I ended up knowing a couple dudes from my building and everyone else is kind of in the “I know your name and ministry but that’s about all” category.
Now back in Toronto it has been mighty tempting to swing back into reclusion but I know for certain I can’t let myself go there. I need to be talking to God, to friends, and to my family regularly to help me process everything I’m going through. I’m glad to be here in Toronto; it sure is low stress to be back home. I’ve got to make the most out of my time here and cherish it.